Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
