I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
