he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
