Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Randomize
