I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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