According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
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He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
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Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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