Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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