I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
