The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
