I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
