if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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