my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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