On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
