I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
third nipple confirmed
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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