? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
