i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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