My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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