Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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