it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
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I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
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antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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