i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
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We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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