Just took my morning after pill in the library
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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