i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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