My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
