I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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