someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
