i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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