You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
