You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
