Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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