Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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