I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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