I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
