I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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