our cab driver is having phone sex.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
