Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
