A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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