I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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