2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
