I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
