I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
