Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
