My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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