Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
