I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
