My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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