the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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