Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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