i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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