my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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