Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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