It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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