just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
