No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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