His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
