my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
