I think im going to throw up on grandma
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
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I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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