I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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