I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
