STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
